Let's Talk...Hate Sex!

Today's Earworm: I Cry by Flo Rida
Today's Date: January 16, 2017

I bet you're sitting there and going "Hate sex? The fuck?". Yeah, because I haven't touched on sex in books yet, in any form.

Okay, look, this came about from a DM (direct message) on Twitter about the fact that I was thinking about writing a scene where the two characters are having hate sex.

Right. So what did the DM say?

It called hate sex "rape".

It's not?

No. For f's sake...

To all those who don't know what hate sex is, it is not rape. Yes, it can come across as rapey depending on how it is written, but it's not that hard to move away from that.

But we'll get to that in a moment.

What is hate sex though?

Ah, it's a bit of an interesting thing to define really.

Let's talk about what it's not real fast first.

It is not rape. Rape is defined by Merriam-Webster (for this purpose) as:

unlawful sexual activity and usually sexual intercourse carried out forcibly or under threat of injury against the will usually of a female or with a person who is beneath a certain age or incapable of valid consent.

And:

archaic : to seize and take away by force.

What does this mean? It means that it's about power on one persons part. There is no consent wanted, nor needed for it to happen.

I don't like rape but I do use it in various stories for various reasons, and I'm always respectful to the victims and survivors of rape.

So hate sex is not rape.

Hate sex is also not makeup sex, or even sex that one has within a loving relationship. Rough sex happens in a loving relationship, but not hate sex.

Okay, so hate sex isn't rape, makeup sex or just even rough sex. What is it?

Well, hate sex is just that.

Sex that happens between two people who hate or intensely dislike each other. For them, the heat of their hate takes a turn into lust and they have sex. It's not about a relationship, love, or even respect.

Let me state something: When hate sex happens, the two (or more) involved have given consent in some form or another. As long as they are not drunk (I've written characters with alcohol in their system having hate sex but not drunk enough to not know what they're doing, let's be clear on this), they can consent.

Consent is key.

 Hell consent is key in any sex scene, be it for fanfiction or original stories. Especially in this day and age.

For example: In the story that I was planning on writing, the two characters hate each other. Absolutely despise each other.

That doesn't mean that they don't want to screw each other silly. For them, there is a fine line between absolute hatred and lust, but it's a very interesting line that is defined by the state of their relationship.

To break it down:

• Person A hates Person B for a specific reason. 
• Person B hates Person A just because of circumstances. 
• Person A and Person B have a mutual hate on for each other.
• There is no real way for them to act on that hate because they share a life and Person C would kick both of their asses. 
• Then one day are snarling and the anger is growing and growing and growing. 
• In a fit of trying to get rid of the anger, they somehow find themselves pulling at clothes, pouring all of it into kissing and pushing and shoving. 
• They screw and find it's a great way to let loose and relax before the next time.

That's their relationship. They play nice in public, and to each other, they screw when it's just to much, and then they move on.

That is hate sex. It's a release for these two characters. For other it's just sex with an ex that they hate, a rival, or someone that they hate. 

Okay, so hate sex is just sex between two people who hate each other, right?

Bingo.

Then how does one stop it from coming across as rapey?

Ah, now that's a bit of a hard one isn't it? 

Remember when I said that consent is key? Yeah, it's key in real life and in a story. Consent is sexy, even in hate sex. 

If they participate and the know just what is going on and what is to happen, and they don't stop it from happening, that's consent. They may hate what they did, but it still happened and some walk away from hate sex with a sore body and content with what happened.

You need to, somehow, work that consent in without disrupting the flow of the scene. It's not that hard to if you're good enough, and if your not...

That's what editing is for after all. And editors. And readers. Seriously. You don't need to do a whole lot.

Me? I'm planning on having Person A go "wait...do I want this?" and decide that yes, yes he does. For his own reasons and he has no doubt that the other is interested in doing it to since Person B was the one who jumped him.

So, let's go over the points.

1) Hate sex is not rape.

2) Consent is sexy, even when it's between two enemies.

3) Consent is even more sexy when it's done right.

4) You need that consent to not come off rapey with a story or chapter.

5) Editing will be your friend. If it seems off, it's off. Edit it again. Let it sit. Re-read a month later.

I think that's all I have to say. 

If you have questions or comments or suggestions on what I should talk about next, leave me a comment.